The internal debate I lost: I preordered Star Wars Outlaws

I knew I'd be playing Star Wars Outlaws at some point.

It's an Ubisoft open-world game with stealth mechanics, which.. I mean.. That's my jam. While Ubisoft is hardly an innovator in the industry, they do tend to make fairly decent, fun games that I get my money's worth of.

The real question was: Can I afford to pre-order, and also succumb to the bullshit expensive-AF edition that gives me exclusive content and early access?

Well, the answer was apparently "Will is a weak-willed gamer who can't even use the excuse anymore that he runs a profitable gaming blog" (so please buy me a coffee).

Here's how I reached that answer.

Star Wars Outlaws has granular accessibility controls.

Ubisoft's homogenization of it's open-world games has one benefit.. They tend to have a lot of granular accessibility controls. Star War Outlaws has a lot of options for accessibility, which I really appreciate as a nerfed gamer (yes, that's where I got the name for this site).

This title, in particular, has some really interesting accessibility features that I never expected to see in a game (and wish more TV shows offered): Configurable dynamic range.

You see, I've got exceptionally sensitive hearing; loud stuff is LOUD to me. I can sometimes handle it if I'm properly distracted (like when I had a body functional enough to be a performing musician), but playing a game or watching TV doesn't count. When I have to turn the volume up to hear the quiet stuff - only to have my ears violated by the audio-equivalent of a hentai tentacle monster a minute later - it really kills the fun for me.

I have no problem with louder stuff, as long as it's dynamically even; hell, as I write this I'm listening to "Unlistenable" by Surgical Meth Machine (a side project of Al Jourgensen, of "Ministry" fame).

Star Wars Outlaws has a cute-AF companion

Here's a little fun fact about me: I sleep with a body-length plush goth axolotl. Stormy Waters (yes, from Sealab 2021) is my cuddle buddy who helps reduce my physical pain by providing support between my knees and allows me to curl my arm properly to prevent excess pain at night.

Axolotls are so damned cute, and the fact that Nix looks like one is perfect.

The only way he could be more perfect would be if he was a literal opossum that would hiss at folks from your shoulder as you walked past them, and will deliver grenades to your enemies clutching them in it's tail.

I find the main character in SWO - Kay - attractive.

Ok, that's not actually a reason, but I do like her character design.. And I am exceptionally jealous of how thick her hair is.

Seriously, I don't get the criticism of her character. She honestly looks perfect for the universe; an almost retro aesthetic from the original Star Wars films (not that there were many women to draw inspiration from in those, at least).

I think the incel gamers are just intimidated by a cleft chin and a lack of a metal bikini.

Ok, for real though.. The gameplay looks solid.

I've watched a lot of influencers and journalists play the game, and while there's certainly some of that classic Ubisoft jank (the speeder bike stuff is very reminiscent of vehicles in Ghost Recon Breakpoint), the core mechanics all look good to me.

Look: I'm not expecting anything amazing or new here. I'm buying into it because it's a well-tested formula that I tend to enjoy. While I would love to see Ubisoft actually try to do something truly innovative, sometimes it's nice to just have a bit of familiarity in the games you play.

It just sucks that it cost so fucking much (again: BUY ME A FUCKING COFFEE).