Things have gone way too far with Doritos flavoring

As a gamer, I’m no stranger to unhealthy snacking. I loved Doritos; Cool Ranch was absolutely my jam, and despite my neurodivergence insisting I keep my fingers clean while gaming, I always found a way to combine both my passion for high-sodium trash and gaming in a sort of delicate symbiosis.

Eventually, Doritos started popping up in other places; One of the more prominent products of our exploitative capitalist society was Doritos Locos Tacos.

This was a sign of the end, although none of us truly realized it at the time.

You see, Taco Bell is best consumed as part of a complete night of Bad Decisions™. It is a scientific fact that Taco Bell and alcohol combine exceptionally well; adding Doritos to this mix brought us right up to the tipping point of a night full of intense shame and regret, as we hugged whatever receptacle we could find to expel the unholy conflagration from our mouths.

It was a delicate balance; we really couldn’t afford to go much harder than that, and as those of us who remember (yet don’t, because.. You know.. We were drunk enough to think Taco Bell Doritos Locos Tacos were a good idea) aged out of these kinds of shenanigans, we assumed future generations would make better decisions.

It seems that we failed to properly impart our knowledge and experiences to said future generations, because we now have an unholy union that should absolutely not exist.

I’m of course talking about Doritos X Empirical alcohol.

First, let me take this bit of exposition from the product page:

“Doritos touch on all the flavor points we crave as people. There’s that umami component, saltiness, a sort of sweet and sour tang, and a teeny bit of bitterness all in one bite; and most chefs will at some point admit that it’s a guilty pleasure they indulge in.”

I don’t say this lightly: The guilt they should feel should not be in regards to the pleasure expressed (although that is certainly a factor), but for the insipid wordplay attempting to class up the disgraceful conceptualization of Doritos-flavored alcohol.

Shame on the people who conceived this, for they are creating ruinous experiences that shall surely cause a collapse of digestive systems and sodomized taste buds for all of those who consume this disgusting amalgamation.

Imagine the shame you felt the morning after a night of drinking, having tossed some Taco Bell on top of that. Imagine the deep, internal pain manifesting itself as a fire coming out of both ends of you.

I lived that. I know that shame.

Now imagine you could make that shame even more efficiently realized, and you get Doritos X Empirical.

The saltiness of Doritos mixed with stomach acid, alcohol and more in a pure liquid form spews from you in the early morning hours. A runny glaze coats your tongue, clings to your teeth, and seems to never fully evacuate from you, despite being able to flow so freely due to the fully liquid form..

..And then you have to concern yourself with what sort of devil alchemy you conceived for a post-binge meal before you returned home to pass out that night.

I will never - never - allow myself to know this particular shame.

I can guarantee you this: It won’t taste good coming back up if you drank your fucking doritos, you tool.